i am gonna make it through this year

wants.

2009-06-19T05:46:56Z

i haven't had internet in a few days, so i haven't updated my 365 days project. i'll do this soon.

http://www1.fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=3644&cat=254#

i want that. i won't remember it unless i post it here, though.
the 5 year journal. how interesting!
<3

oops!

2009-06-14T04:13:25Z

sorry, I never updated with my TBWCYL antics.
insulting an insect was hilarious. I did it outside my work, so I got a few stares. I just looked a little beetle in the face and said, "you motherfucker." perfect!

today, day two, was to look at everyone like they might be the love of my life.
this was funny but I wish I had gotten it on a day i didn't have to work... i got a bunch of creeps asking for my phone number and stuff. or my gamertag. hahaha wow. anyway it worked out pretty well.

also, I uploaded my 365 days project pictures
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/ktrisks/sets/72157619539912247/)

work today was demanding but not as much as it typically does- especially on a saturday.

anyone else remember the Dr. Suess book The Pop-Up Mice of Mr. Brice? that's my absolute favorite.
I'll updated later with something better than this. promise.

TBWCYL day one

2009-06-12T04:27:56Z

this book will change your life by benrik

"day 1: warm-up"
this day gives me a few options to choose from:

1. do one press-up
2. perform a striptease
3. triple-tie your shoelaces
4. learn to play chopsticks on the piano
5. increase your typing speed by three words a minute
6. jaywalk in a pedestrian zone
7. set all your clocks to exactly the right time
8. whisper a white lie when no one's listening
9. fantasize about your partner
10. use a different thickness comb
11. say "yo" instead of "hello"
12. hold the phone up to your other ear
13. tell someone your middle name
14. try a new sandwich filling
15. leave work five minutes early
16. bookmark a new website
17. give your genitalia pet names
18. decide which one of your toes is the prettiest
19. insult an insect
20. go on a one-minute hunger strike

bolded is the one i've deicded to do. once i do it, later, i'll update with how it went.
possibly a picture too :)

the summer of projects

2009-06-12T04:21:09Z

summer 2009 projects;
1. 365 days project
this is a project that has been floating around flickr & the rest of the internet for a while, so i thought i'd finally commit to it. what better time? basically, it's where you take a picture of yourself each day for a year, and upload it. it's supposed to be pretty revitalizing, and it'll be totally neat to look back on a year of pictures and think about how i've changed. so i'm definitely excited about this one.
www.flickr.com/photos/ktrisks/sets/72157619539912247/ <- the photo album i'll be updating
2. DoGood project
this one i found through someone's tweet about it. it's an iPhone app that gives you an act of kindness to do every day for a year. i'm going to try and do it. you're supposed to do it & take a picture of your feat. i'll be posting that here :)
3. This Book Will Change Your Life
the Benrik book. i've gotten halfway through it (eighth grade!), but i have never been the whole way through. i really want to. it's a book that has a crazy thing for you to do every day for a year (all of these projects are yearly thus far! imagine that.). examples being "today you are not allowed to use the words yes or no", "release a red balloon", "confess to a preist", etc. i'll be posting those crazinesses (and the fruits of their crazy) on here. and maybe you guys can even go along with me? it'd definitely be nice to have your support!
4. Self-publish my book of poetry
pretty self-explanatory i think. i've gotten all the pages done and the cover figured out... now just to get to it! wish me luuck.
5. Get a piece of work published
i'll be trying my hardest! magazines, newspapers, anything. poetry, essays, fiction... here we go.

so, that's my plan for the summer as far as ambitions go.
of course, getting to NC doesn't count as a project but that's technically on the list. teehee!
:)

anyway. i'm bored but excited about all of this stuff.
:) my next entry will be for the book!

409 in your coffeemaker.

2009-06-11T15:00:34Z

do you know what it's like to be scared about something and have absolutely no one in the world to talk to about it?
i guess i've done this to myself.

anyway, i need to find a new/better job more than ever now. my mom told me today that i need to start paying bills or whatever.
i told her the fact that she has zero job and zero money isn't my fault and she said, dead seriously, "sure it is!"
so there's some solid parenting right there.
my mom literally thinks that our financial situation is MY fault and problem.

i pay for my own food, my own clothes
i mean. what do i need to do here? i'm fucking 18 years old.
this is ridiculous.

i don't know. i need to get out of here. i need to talk to someone,
but no one is around...

I don't want to be one of

2009-06-11T06:47:02Z

I want to be more than that.

why do I feel like this right now...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

daft punk is playing on my stereo

2009-06-10T21:28:12Z

everything feels surreal and wonderful right now.

don't ask me why, i don't know. i've gotten a few hate texts today, it's way too hot outside
and my room is messy. all signs point to me being in a bad mood but i feel pretty good.

i want to submit this poem to a magazine.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

god gets vertigo
by caitie davis

electricity lines buzz above your head,
like the gentle passion that attaches to words
and falls from the hinges of your lips.
a flower, strong and beautiful, begins to wind
its stem like numb fingers
around the electric pole, innocently. her deep,
blooming face reaching toward lines
that weave their thin bodies in and out of our houses.

I am the observer, holding my own body in
my arms, and watching the involuntary movements
of your jaw muscles. my eyelids, as thin and
fragile as petals, cover my eyes and cradle them
sweetly

if you were God, you tell me,
you’d use your rough, tendered hands
to place trains on tracks
like Christmastime when your dad was still around.
I had a picture of you in my head-
a smaller, more joyous you,
that marveled at toy plastic trains moving their way
through toy plastic people and falsified settings.

I have a picture of you in my head-
the duality of your two bodies
swimming in concentric circles, led by a braided rope
tied around your throat.
if you were God, you’d eventually neglect
your believers, and leave them winding
around the poles that hold up
your recklessly crafted Heaven.

laying in the dirt, you told me
that I was shining too bright for my own good-
meanwhile, the stems of my arms wrapped around
my brittle ribcage.
the buzzing of your words, still writhing on my skin
I curl my body around them. my face turned toward your mouth.
“don’t dull away,” you warned me,
a wild animal pacing behind your eyes

if you were God, I wonder,
if you could stop yourself from spinning
or clear the gin away from your clean tongue
thick with spit and alcohol.
our eyes lock
for two seconds, and it’s too much-
too honest, or too much for words anyway.
i am the observer, gently sustaining the
d flats of thought that uncoil in my head
and slither toward my mouth, but fall short.

i want to warn the flower before it’s too late,
but am captured by the innocence
glowing strong in the wake of telephone conversations
and television shows we use to fill the room
with sound. to drown out our own voices
until we have no voice to speak of.

for lack of trying

2009-06-10T03:56:18Z

i wrote this. it's called "for lack of trying".

i mapquest how to get to heaven but the directions are fragmented and confusing. they closed down the road in step two anyway. i guess i’ll never make it there now, but not for lack of trying i suppose.
    god, i used to know you. what happened? i used to cry and read the bible. i used to pray before sleeping and eating. i used to fear him and love him and feel him. god, i used to know you. what happened? i don’t know. i don’t know.
    before, i’ve tried to pretend that my heart still swells like that, but it’s really no use. i can’t feel the warmth of ignorance any more, no matter how much i try to forget the scientific explanations and terms floating through my veins. no matter how much i try to remember why i believed, how i felt, all of that. but i can’t.
    and anyway, i feel like i believe in god a little when i watch my grandfather reading and underlining his bible like he’s got one thing in the world left, and that’s it. my heart breaks for him, gently. if he didn’t believe, he’d die of sadness. he wouldn’t have anything left. and that’s why i keep it up.
    but it's really no use.

naked as we came.

2009-06-09T22:21:12Z

i had a dream about someone i don't want to think about ever again. it wasn't a nice dream or anything, they were just there. bizarre.

hanging out with matt tonight. we're doing some sort of sweet mark 8's promotional stuff i think :]
it's funny because as i was typing that, he texted me. woaahhh.

iron and wine touches my heart.
the soft way of singing, the music. how gentle and loving their images are.
i don't know. I just love the cd Our Endless Numbered Days.
it makes me think of life and love and just absolute being.

i'm doing chemistry online, which disinterests me.

so i'll update later. byyyye

i hope you blink before I do

2009-06-08T21:16:35Z

and i hope i never get sober.

just lyrics :] but yeah. i need to clean my room and the house and everything and ahhh.
rock band party tonight. it's gonna be fun but bittersweet :/

my tattoo is starting to peel. i hear that's a good thing- i just can't wait until it's all healed and lookin' pretty :]
i also need more tanktops. i have like... five. it seems like tanktops would be a girl essential...
not that i'm the number one consultant on girly-related things, but just saying.

i got a letter today :)
i love getting letters. i don't know what it is, but i've always loves writing letters. i used to have penpals pretty consistently throughout my childhood- penpals, long-distance cousins, etc. recently, writing hopper up in seattle :) and ryan a few times (my bro in north carolina).
it's just so exciting and so personal. plus, you can't interrupt during a letter :] so you get to read people's true feelings or thoughts.
also it's very personal.
and who better to get a letter from than the love of my life? <3

speaking of letters and reminiscing, i went to the library today. these days i just buy books, so it's been a while since i've been to a library (especially because i have a pretty intense library fine from like... two summers ago? maybe last summer. who knows). i was waiting for my mom to get whatever DVDs she was getting, and i looked over at the kid's section.
it made me think of the webb wesconnet library on 103rd, which was the library i used to frequent as a kid.
i always loved libraries, i was obsessed with books as a kid [not much has changed]. and the kid's section there was straight up magic to me.
god. times were so good. i wish i knew what it was, but you just some of that mysticism when you grow up. and that sucks. but it's almost good that we can't capture that anymore i think. it makes it more special.

work yesterday was surprisingly good. i got more subscriptions and reservations than both of my assistant managers. so go me.

sighsighsigh. time to clean!

i want to say sorry, for things i haven't done yet.

2009-06-08T05:33:31Z

i've always felt like high school only held me down. that all of the drama, the work, and the pressure weren't worth it. that i coul do so much better outside of it, then i was inside of it. but here, i find myself terrified.
absolutely terrified.

i devoted seven years of my schooling to creative writing classes. writing poetry, fiction, non-fiction, essays, articles, plays, screenplays, reports, everything. i was overly confident and young, but goddamnit i was passionate.
i still am passionate. i live and breathe this stuff- it means everything to me.

but i'm afraid, that my talent is going to fall away. or that my writing is going to disintegrate.
i can't think in words right now- all i can feel is the lump in my chest rising into my throat. i gasp for air.
this isn't the sickness, it's more than that.

i just need this to exist, right now.
my stomach is jumping around and around and around, and i'm spinning.
vertigo.

since you've gone away, i never know just what to say

2009-06-08T05:00:45Z

even now i can imagine the dark, twisting tendrils of your hair. as deep and dark as oil, flowing thick over my skin. a functioning of absolute beauty and genes. i see sandstorms in your eyes, eroding your edges- you are sharp, but worth the cuts.

rain, cold and clean, spots your eyelids. i wipe them like tears. fresh, gentle intensity overwhelms me.

we are screaming as loud as we can, our lungs full out to bursting. the clouds shake, our voices weaving in between them. softly i kiss your neck; my lips can feel your vocal chords reverberating. we whisper then, but the world shakes just as much.

i see you now, a slight smile twitching across your lips. i will touch them lightly with my fingers and i will beg you not to shy away from my touch. things have been rocky for you, but i'm not weatherworn.

i'm at a loss for words right now.

our love is like the border between Greece and Albania.

2009-04-09T03:31:50Z

our love is like the border between Greece and Albania
trucks loaded down with weapons
crossing over every night
moon yellow and bright
there is a shortage in the blood supply
but there is no shortage of blood

the way I feel about you baby can't explain it
you got the best of my love.

when i consider what you mean to me,

2009-04-07T03:17:09Z

it's everything.
it's everything.

hm.

2009-04-06T20:01:42Z

why do i feel like i'm being fucked over?

adventure landing.

2009-04-06T02:26:39Z

there is nothing better than a bunch of GameStop employees at adventure landing
[for free, paid for by the company]
killing each other in laser tag
+ mini golf hilarity
+ go karting like mad
:)

and we can't forget the obvious nerding out in the arcade...
i mean, come on.
we are GameStop #2941- what do you expect?

i love my job.

DSi

2009-04-05T05:52:34Z

i got mine, a hideously gorgeous blue color
and i love it. so shove it!

:)
it's wonderful and new and mine!
*gobblesnarfnomnom*

professor layton reference. god that game was awesome.
i beat it today. now i'm gonna go play rhythm heaven!
and hook up my internet and put in my SD card and stuff

I AM AWESOME AND SO IS MY DSi

appearances, appearances

2009-04-04T18:41:11Z

it's funny. you know, everyone who walks into my house and sees what it looks like is usually struck by how warm and beautiful it is. also, how nicely it smells [again contributing to the warmth].

now, don't think that i'm bragging here- i give my mom full credit for the state of our decor.
but it's just funny to think about.

the fact that we have two providers for the household itself- those two being me and my mom- and that I make more than she does in a year.
and i make minimum wage at a job i basically only work on the weekends.

so, above all that, how do we manage to keep up a house scheme that seemingly takes up a majority of income?
appearances.

-if you walked into my house, if you met me, you'd have no clue that i've lost my dad to brain cancer, that i've lost everything and am only now getting most of it back. that my mom is scared of being alone. that i am also scared of being alone. that we are suffering for money. the sicknesses that have plagued our family and household.
you would have absolutely no clue.

and that's why my mom burns candles, and shops around for deal constantly, watches every design show that is on the air, that's why she will clean the entire house if her greatest enemy was going to stop in for 3 seconds- or even if it was her best friend, or sister. or some 20 year old boy, or 17 year old girl,

appearances.
god, it's funny.

808s and Heartbreak

2009-04-04T15:43:23Z

KANYE WEST'S NEW ALBUM IS FLAWLESS
i mean it
even if you hate rap or hip hop or whatever
you'll like it.

LISTEN.
<3

monopoly

2009-04-03T05:52:09Z

i'm playing monopoly right now, and it's interesting... i don't think i've ever played this long in my entire life. and i mean that. hahaha

this computer has a really weird keyboard, it confuses me.
oh well

my computer is better
macs rule
WOOOOO

good timez

heart of darkness

2009-04-01T15:04:03Z

"forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant, but more profound."
- Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Reading this short epic Conrad poured himself and his soul into, little stuck out to me as much as this quote. I'm uninterested in analyzing Marlowe's struggle with his pursuit of "the dream of men" or his obsession with Kurtz. Of the way their idols fall short, their moral obligations fail, their achievements pale int he limelight. The racism and the journey and society and their intentions.
I don't care about any of that, not enough anyway. All I seem to concern myself with is that quote.
The serenity- the innocence, the beauty- became less brilliant. Instead of something beautiful they were to look at, the water evolved. It consumed them. The newness, the innocence, the precipice of adventure it held- all this fades as each man becomes more worn and ragged. And yet, it still holds everything for them. Blinded by it's brilliance, they pour their lives, expectations and fate into its arms. All or nothing, they thrust their hearts, souls and bodies over the edge of this nondescript cliff.
And as with every damn thing we love or hate or expect, there comes a bittersweet disappointment. No matter the joy or pain or unbridled passion that fills every crevice of your existance, disappointment lingers thereafter. There are no exceptions; we are always disappointed.
But without that disappointment, we wouldn't know how to expect. Would we know success and joy?
Everything we expect, when it reveals its true face to us (or when we grab it firmly by the shoulder and whip it around toward us) becomes less brilliant,
but more profound.

I love you.

maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

2009-04-01T14:52:14Z

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually changed

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

our love is dead but without limit- like the surface of the moon.

2009-04-01T07:00:08Z

after all i have right now
after the fact that i'm standing on the edge of something exciting and new and wonderful and right
after all the heartache i already let bleed out of me

why do i still feel so much pain and love for you?
why does seeing a picture of you send me into a spiral of depression and sleepless nights?
why do i give a shit about the nothing you did for me...

i swear, the aftertaste of 2 and a half years of love is driving me insane.

Are you the love of my lifetime
Because there's been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you
In the attic of my parents' house
And I wish we were there now
I took so long to figure out
What this book has been about.

see, now why am i crying?
because you'd understand all this
you'd get it

why did you do this to me?

we might die from medication

2009-03-23T04:15:01Z

but we sure killed all the pain.

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is.

i wish i was eight years old again

2009-03-23T02:48:53Z

so i bought pokemon platinum and the huuuge accompanying guide for it today
and i've been playing and leveling and essentially geeking out uber hardcore-
i'm basically pretending that's my biggest worry, getting a sweet pokemon party,
like it was when i was eight years old.

goddamn growing up is such a bitch sometimes. i swear.

i'm trying not to let you hurt me.
i'm not doing a very good job.